Who I Am & Who I Want To Become

When I reflect back on my life, particularly the last 3 years I am almost shocked to see the growth and the change that have happened in my life. I am not nearly the same person now as I was three years ago. My life has taken leaps and bounds forward. I have grown so much. I owe a lot of that to my mission, but also some difficult experiences I have had in the past 3 1/2 years that have changed me, it's incredible. I went from a wishy-washy young woman who's life was in a tailspin and I was never sure which direction I was going to a faith-filled confident woman who has her priorities in life straight. I want to continue to be a better person, so that I can be the kind of woman that Heavenly Father needs me to be. A bright light is on the horizon of my future and I want to be a light that others can look to and follow. I want people to know that I live the gospel because it radiates from who I am. I want to become a righteous mother who is firm in what she believes and is known for her great love. I really just want to be whoever God needs me to be and hope that I can live up to His plans for me in this life.

Love Language

I took the love language quiz and found out that I am highest on quality time, with physical touch second. I learned while taking this quiz that I don't really need gifts like some people do. I know people care about me when they want to spend time with me. It was interesting because I was talking to my friend Blake about this, I had text him the day before and asked why he "hated me" haha because we never do anything. Well Blake found out that I am all about quality time and realized that I asked him why he "hated me" because we never spent any time together. I am all about the quality time, it is such a big deal for me. When people don't spend time with me I really do assume they just don't care about me and don't care to spend time with me. Which is not a big deal for me, it just means I spend less time on building that friendship/relationship. Interesting.

And Nothing Shall Offend Them

Elder David A. Bednar
"When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."

I love that Elder Bednar mentions that when we are offended it is by our own choice. We all have our agency and no matter the situation, we can choose to be offended by what is happening, by what others say, or whatever else it may be. It is almost empowering to know that we have the CHOICE to be offended or not. Sometimes we feel like we have the right to take offense, but I know that our lives are much more richly blessed when we choose not to be offended by what others might say or do.

Jamie Wheeler

It has been really good to take this class and look at my relationship with my sister Jamie, it used to be a challenging (not in a bad way) relationship and she still challenges me, but it makes me a better person. It makes me look at my life in a different way, and I can really appreciate that now whereas I didn't before. I am grateful for what I've learned about communication this semester and how it has strengthened the relationship that I have with my sister, I feel a lot more love for her and we are a lot closer. I can share pretty much everything with her!

Ariel Belnap

It was interesting this semester to see how the relationship I have with Ariel went in ups and downs. We would spend a lot of time together, then get busy, and then spend a lot of time together again. Overall I am excited to be living in the same room with her next semester so even when we're busy we'll be able to see each other more than we do now. I just love Ariel and I definitely feel like we have built up a strong friendship this semester. I am glad that I could learn about communication this semester and how to make our relationships with other people stronger.

Things As They Really Are

Elder David A. Bednar
"If the adversary cannot entice us to misuse our physical bodies, then one of his most potent tactics is to beguile you and me as embodied spirits to disconnect gradually and physically from things as they really are. In essence, he encourages us to think and act as if we were in our premortal, unembodied state. And, if we let him, he can cunningly employ some aspects of modern technology to accomplish his purposes. Please be careful of becoming so immersed and engrossed in pixels, texting, ear buds, twittering, online social networking, and potentially addictive uses of media and the Internet that you fail to recognize the importance of your physical body and miss the richness of person‐to‐person communication. Beware of digital displays and data in many forms of computer‐mediated interaction that can displace the full range of physical capacity and experience... To feel the warmth of a tender hug from an eternal companion or to see the sincerity in the eyes of another person as testimony is shared—all of these things experienced as they really are through the instrument of our physical body—could be sacrificed for a high fidelity fantasy that has no lasting value."

A text message could never replace a hug, no matter how sincere or heartfelt. There is something about human interaction, in person, there together, that makes a huge difference. My cell phone can't hug me, neither can my computer; that is something that I sometimes need from a REAL person, have their arms around me, and to feel loved. Nothing, in my eyes could ever replace a hug. If I had to trade my phone in for the opportunity to be hugged everyday, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Trust.

President Henry B. Eyring said, "He (God) knows how a lack of trust in Him brings sadness... You show your trust in Him when you listen with the intent to learn and repent and then you go and do whatever He asks. If you trust God enough to listen for His message in every sermon, song and prayer in this conference, you will find it. And if you go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to find that He has come to trust you."

I found this to be so true when I was a missionary. I would trust the Lord that if I was obedient that He would bless me, so when I put my life into His hands and trusted that He would guide me He always did. He then trusted me with His children and allowed me to see people accept the gospel, He knew that He could trust me because I had done (in the past) what He had asked, and tried my best to be obedient. It's the same thing now. When the Lord knows that we are trying to do our best, he blesses us. I did my best when I came home from my mission to live the way I knew the Lord wanted me to; and when I came to school the Lord trusted me enough to put in a position (as Relief Society President) to serve and watch over some of His daughters... what a HUGE blessing.

My seeester

I find it harder to write about Jamie since we aren't in the same city, and our only real "interaction" is through texting. She has been a good anchor and influence in my life though, and I am glad that she can be there to support me. I absolutely love her and though our relationship has been a challenge in the past, I know that as we work on our communication with others we can strengthen relationships.

C.S. Lewis

I love reading C.S. Lewis books, so I thought I would include some of my favorite quotes! :)

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing."

"When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place."

"What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are."

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."

Ariel- the Red.

So Ariel decided that she wanted to find out what her color code personality was, so she took the test and we found out that she was mostly red! I knew that she was logic-based and had to be either white, or red (unlike me, who is emotion-based). It was really funny because under the description of reds it was saying that she is a workaholic and she laughed and said it was totally true! She is definitely a red and it's funny that now that I know that I see better the way that she communicates because of her personality, and I also know now how to communicate better with her. LOVE IT!

What's in a name?

In Shakespeare's play, Romeo and Juliet, is a line that says

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

So what is in a name? Our names define who we are. The name that my parents gave me is Amanda Sue Wheeler. Each name means:

Amanda- "worthy of love"





Sue- "lily"






Wheeler- "one who made wheels or wheeled vehicles"









And my friend from Mexico said that the word "Amada" means loved, like she is loved. "Amado" would be he is loved. Interesting the way names come about.

Well I personally love my name and am grateful that my parents gave me such a strong name. I was named after my great-great-great-grandmother Amanda Susan Quick.

Crumpled up paper...

We talked this week in communications class about defensiveness, and some things that we do when we get defensive. So I called a friend of mine, because he said he had time to helpe, to fill out the assignment for class and explained all of the different mechanisms to him and starting asking him which ones he thought I was, or what I did when I was on the defensive. Then he told me that he couldn't remember all of them, so I decided to go through them one by one and he agreed that might work, when I started doing that he admitted that he wasn't paying attention or listening to what I had been saying. I got frustrated and disappointed. So I crumbled up the paper, told him it was fine and said goodbye. I put the crumpled piece of paper in my backpack. During this all he told me that one thing I do when I get defensive is that I just take "control" and end the conversation or say that I'm not gonna talk about it, or refuse to talk about things that I don't want to discuss. I guess this was a prime example of me doing this. Well two days later I am sitting in class and we start discussing the assignment and Sister McKenna chose some people to share their experiences and what others had told them about their defensiveness. Of course she turns to me, so I point to the smoothed-out paper sitting on my desk (luckily I had kept the crumpled paper in my backpack and pulled it out when we started talking) and told everyone about my experience. It was a big hit and a good visual lesson of my frustration. Yay for that little crumpled piece of paper!

Forgiveness?

Last week I got pretty mad at a friend of mine, he ditched me, ignored me and lied to me (it wasn't the first time). I'm not the kind of person who was just gonna let him walk all over me like he did and I was ready for a fight. I was ready to chew him out good and tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that he needed to be a better friend, that I deserved for him to be a better friend. I had everything nicely planned out. Then I decided to go to devotional, and my friend is lucky that I did. God knew that I would go to devotional, and He knew that I would need to hear this particular devotional talk on Forgiveness by Charles N. Andersen (University Resources Vice President at BYU-Idaho), and He knew that I would get a "spiritual-smack-in-the-face" from it. I am glad that God knows what He is doing and that He was able to teach me a priniciple and change my mind about starting a fight with my friend. So there I am sitting at devotional and the speaker says, "Forgiveness is not easy. When someone has hurt us or those we care about, that pain can be almost overwhelming. It can feel as if the pain or the injustice is the most important thing in the world and that we have no choice but to seek vengeance. Forgiveness is not instantaneous. It comes more readily when we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and trust His word. Such faith and trust enables us to see others as our brothers and sisters even in the worst of times and to look beyond ourselves and our own feelings of hurt or anger. Christ, the Prince of Peace, teaches us a better way. It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrong doing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives." God helped me to realize how important forgiveness is, but it didn't make the wrong right, or keep my friend from being unkind again... So I just have to wonder, I understand that forgiveness is a good thing to do. However, there is so much mercy in forgiveness... but where is the justice? Maybe it's just my place to forgive, but I guess that doesn't mean it's an immediate process.

Air-ee-uhl

Well in reflection on my relationship with Ariel I guess it has been a bit of a rollercoaster. The last month I don't feel like we have really spent a lot of time communicating. We have done things together, went to Rupert, to Vegas, hung out with our guy frineds... I haven't spent a lot of time talking to Ariel about what has been going on with her life and I feel bad about that. I have just had so much going on that I have been a little bit selfish and need to do better. I guess it's a combination of both Ariel and I being super busy this past month, I know that we are still friends and I hope that our friendship is still building because she's a great girl and has been a good friend.

Jay-me

I love my sister! I love how well she knows me and how she can help me to see things that I can't. We, in our family, have had a faceful of the world because of certain circumstances in our family. We have seen and dealt with things that have changed our perspective on the world and have given us a more "grown-up" approach in certain life situations. Ours has, previously, been a challenging relationship but like I said we have both grown up and had different life experiences and time has brought us a lot closer. I am able to go to her for advice because I know she'll give me clear cut answers or make me question what I am doing. This has happened recently, she knows me so well and isn't afraid to sugar-coat things. She reminds me not to rush into thing and take my time. I love this girl. Learning how to communicate better has been a real blessing in this relationship.

The Future Is As Bright As Your Faith

I suppose that faith has been on my mind a lot the last few days, probably for a good reason because I have learned a few things this week that have made my life a lot more complicated and also have left certain aspects of my life wide open. My future has become a lot more unsure in the past week because some things have fallen apart like a tower of blocks that little kids play with. However, this quote from President Monson has brought a lot of peace into my heart and mind, "The future is as bright as your faith." It just sticks in my mind because I know that's true. My future, without faith, is bleak and dismal and scary even; but my future with faith is bright, full of hope and has endless amazing possibilities. I may not know what will happen, but with my faith in God I know that all things will be possible and I have a bright future, there will be obstacles and challenges, but they will do nothing but strengthen my resolve. I know my future is bright!

20 Questions

Another reason that I love working on my communication skills with Jamie is that she is amazing. I love asking her about things because she questions my choices sometimes. I have had a few things on my mind lately and so I asked her about something and she pretty much gave me the "20-question" treatment about it. It helped me to reflect on the things going on in my life, and the things I have been thinking about. It was just the type of listening response that I needed. :) She's great, and I believe she'd call some of it "constructive criticism."

RAIN, RAIn, RAin, Rain, rain :)

A friend once told me, "Nobody could ever tell you that you don't love the rain."

I do love the rain, everything about it. The way that it feels on your skin, the way that it smells, the way that it tastes when I stick my tongue out, the way that it sometimes comes down in torrents, the way that it sometimes just trickles down, the way that it makes puddles for me to jump in, the beauty of the rain in the sky, the way that it makes rainbows, how much I love to be out in it. I love the way it can accompany thunderstorms and lightning. I love how it can soak through your clothes and leave you dripping wet. I love playing sports in the rain, how you can slip all over the place. Rain is my favorite.

Little spurts

I think that my good communication skills go in spurts. I was doing really well with communicating with Ariel, and then a lot of things happened in my life that put a lot of stress on me and on our relationship. I kind of shut off from her. But then on Thursday last week, her and I went out to eat and spent a few hours just me and her and I was able to talk about some things that are bothering me and we had some good communication between us. I learned a lot about myself and that I go in spurts of communication with people.

Being Positive

Well today in communications class we talked about confirming and disconfirming messages that we send to people. Let's just call them positive and negative. There seem to be more negative ones, than positive ones which is pretty sad. Well anyway Sister McKenna said that we need to giving 5 positive messages for 1 negative message, so for the next few days I am going to try and give more positive messages to people than negative ones. Yahoo. I once heard that for one negative comment it took 14 positive comments to make up for it. I remember making one of my friends do this for me because he had said something rude. It was pretty entertaining to see him come up with 14 really random, but positive things. It's probably best to be positive all the time.

Why Can't You Always Have Fun?

I have found that no matter who you are or where you are or who you are with, you can have fun! I have always found a way to have fun, usually people call me a bit crazy because of it, but at least we're having fun. I don't see the point in doing anything if you don't enjoy it. I love to have fun.

Having Faith

"The Transforming Power of Faith and Character"
by Richard G. Scott

"What are some of the empowering principles upon which faith is based?
-Trust in God in His willingness to provide help when needed no matter how challenging the circumstance.
-Obedience to His commandments and a life that demonstrates that He can trust you.
-Sensitivity to the quiet promptings of the Holy Spirit.
-Courageous implementation of that prompting.
-Patience and understanding when God lets you struggle to grow and when answers come a piece at a time over an extended period.
As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. With even your strongest faith. God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what is in His eternal plan for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."

My favorite part of this quote is that God will let us struggle and grow to make our own faith stronger. The times we grow the most is when we go through something hard or have to overcome obstacles. I know that this is a true principle. I love the gospel.

"Love Isn't Always Enough"

"Love Isn't Always Enough"

I heard this in my communications class the other day. Mostly it was in the context that you can't just love someone, but you need to be able to communicate with them as well. Love doesn't fix all problems, but if you love someone that you are willing to communicate with someone and work out the situations or problems. If you love someone than shouldn't you be able to communicate with them honestly, to be open with them and not lie to them. If you love someone don't they deserve for you to be honest and open with them. Love isn't just about the warm fuzzy feelings, but about communication and really learning who a person is. Love is being willing to do anything for someone, isn't it? "When I say, 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or beacuse I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, and what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity what you are. You're a hell of a woman." (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Ariel

Well I got some upsetting news this week and I knew that Ariel could tell something was upsetting me. So I said to her, "Look, I'll tell you what's wrong, but I don't want to talk about it and I don't want you to tell me that you're sorry..." And then I told her about not getting accepted into a radiology technician program at one of the schools I applied too. Well thankfully Ariel didn't say anything about it, we went to work out, play dodgeball and then volleyball and I felt a lot better at the end of the night. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about things but I knew that I needed to communicate with Ariel and so it kept our relationship strong this week.

Jamie

This week some crazy things happened in my life and it was good to know that I could talk to Jamie about what has been going on in my life. She asks me a lot of questions about certain things going on that really made me think. I love her personality and the way that she is because it helps me think outside the box. I also get the opportunity to look a little bit deeper into myself and get the perspective from an outsider's view. Thank you Jamie!

J.A.M.I.E.

J-Just
A-Adventurous
M-Magnificent
I-Incredible
E-Enchanting

W-Winsome
H-Happy
E-Extremely inventive
E-Energetic
L-Lots of fun
E-Entertaining
R-Really good at revenge

More words to describe my sister. I think it's good to take the time to think about positive qualities in people that you deal with a lot. It helps you to see them in a more positive light and appreciate more what they bring to your life!

A.R.I.E.L.

A-Adventurous
R-Really studious
I-Interested in Exercise
E-Easy-going
L-Lovable

B-Beautiful
E-Extraordinary
L-Lots of laughs
N-Never gives up
A-Always happy
P-Perfectly content



I'm picking out the good characteristics that I like about Ariel, seeing the good and positive side of our relationship!

Relationships

We have been talking about relationships (intimate ones) this week in our communications class... and though the following article I found has nothing to do with intimate relationships it still deals with relationships we have. I find this story, sad, shocking and appalling. It makes me grateful to parents who love me, but also makes me acknowledge the difficulties we all have in our lives, and truly, "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger..."

Mom Kills Son for Potty Training Accident, Then Eats Pizza
by Julie Ryan Evans
"Potty training is one of the most frustrating parenting experiences I've faced, but I still can't muster even a fraction of an ounce of empathy for Robin Greinke, 26, an Illinois woman, who along with her boyfriend beat her 3-year-old son to death because he wet his pants. Once they were finished, and he lay nearby dying, they ate a pizza and watched a movie.

Greinke and Steven Neil, 33, admitted that they took turns beating the boy for more than an hour after he had an accident February 8 while they were visiting Florida. "They were upset with him and they tossed him and spanked him and punched him," a homicide investigator told Central Florida News 13.

After enjoying themselves with the pizza and movie, Greinke finally called 911 around 5 a.m. to say her son, Noah Fake, was wheezing, and she couldn't sleep. She couldn't sleep. No one with even a hint of a conscience possibly could, but apparently she has none.

If it was a rash incident, it wouldn't make it any better, but at least there would be a tiny hint of understanding of how someone can snap. Potty training can be brutal, but this? This is truly one of the most horrific, unconscionable acts against a child by his own mother I've come across. It makes me physically ache to think about what this child endured.

I just can't imagine what cold, callous people these individuals must be, and what an awful life this boy must have led during the years he was alive. With a mother like that, I can't imagine they were anything but awful. I don't want to believe he's better off dead, but he would likely be better off anywhere than in the care of a woman who could not only kill, but sit by and chow down on dinner afterwards. Monster is the only word for someone like that, and no alcohol or drugs or anything else can provide even a hint of an excuse for these actions.

The couple has been charged with aggravated child abuse, child neglect, and first-degree murder. Greinke was denied bail on Saturday and remains in jail and on suicide watch. I hope they watch her closely, because she doesn't deserve such an easy escape from her actions.

While I don't support the death penalty, it's cases like this that make me question that stance. I hope whatever punishment they face is as severe as the law allows and that they never get to enjoy a piece of pizza or view a movie ever again."

Poetry

You somehow got behind the iron walls
protecting all that I am inside.
My heart of hearts, my soul.
You somehow picked the lock
to my facade of an impenatrable fortress.
Once you got in
I could never quite kick you out...
You saw into the depths of who I am:

My fears,
insecurities
anxieties
weaknesses
Strengths
beliefs
all I love
confidences

I let you stay
somehow thinking
you couldn't break
what I thought wasn't yours...
But you did...
Now I'm broken
And I lay vulnerable to your
Attacks.
And I love you more
Than I ever have before...
But please...
How do I get back
behind my iron walls
because there--
I am safe.

EFY 2010 Walking in Sunlight

This is a song I first heard last semester from the latest EFY cd and I just love it because it helps me remember that the gospel brings light to my life and has changed everything. I can walk in the sunlight even if my life seems a bit dark. That is the blessing of having the gospel.



I also had this thought over the weekend: The truth of it is... life always cahnges... "There's nothing so constant as change..." and this is something you can always depend on... But of all the things I know to be true I think the most important is that I know God lives and I know that He loves me. I know that as people come and go and as life goes on it's never-ending course the Gospel of Jesus Christ and God's love for His children is something that will never cahnge no matter the course this Earth or our lives take. That is the one thing I can always depend on. I know that we can have hope in this life and hope in the life to come because of the infinite sacrifice of Jesus Christ on our behalf. I know that our lives are most beautiful when we share them with others. I know we came here not only to return to God ourselves but to help others see the light and desire to return to Him as well."

10 things that make me happy...

I decided that I would share more about myself by sharing the top ten things that make me happy. I did this on my mission to help the people I was teaching to see the good things that they have in their lives, and it helps me be more grateful for the things that God has given me as well (which is pretty much everything). Now this list doesn't include the obvious things like my friends and family and the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I am trying to look a little farther outside the box, so here we go. (This list is in no particular order.)

1. Mountains/Being Outdoors









2. Strawberry Lime Jones Soda













3. Soccer (Watching and playing)











4. The Colors Orange & Blue









5. Thunderstorms & Lightning (Rain & Snow)











6. Temples










7. Quotes :)















8. Snorkeling!










9. Cotton Candy










10. Places I've traveled: Seattle, Georgia, Mexico, England, Oregon Coast, Canada